| | Subject: | new icon | | Time: | 12:13 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/wink.gif) crazy |
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| testing new icon
I fear my whole journal is DARKSIDED!!
heh. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| | Current Music: | -80 C freezer | | Current Location: | lab | | Time: | 10:30 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) content |
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| From the Onion website a while ago, but it was recently talked about at our lab meeting. SO someone printed out the copy and passed it around. We decided that if we ever run out of funds, we will apply to the US gov for funding to research this new shampoo.
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CINCINNATI—Procter & Gamble, manufacturer of Pantene® Pro-V® shower and hair-care products, unveiled its new line of behavioral conditioners Monday.
Pantene Introduces New Behavioral Conditioner
The new conditioners, which company spokespersons say will "wash and condition your brain, regulating social behaviors for a glamorous, brand-new you," are being touted as the strongest, longest-lasting psychoactive hair-care products ever made available. If successful, insiders say, the line could revolutionize the beauty-esteem sector of the nation's $3.4 billion norm-reinforcement industry.
"New Pantene Plus Pro-V Skinnerian Behavioral Conditioners offer a strong, long-lasting psychological hold, for healthier, shinier brains that are more manageable and easier to style and control," Procter & Gamble spokesperson John Dyer told reporters during a press conference at the company's state-of-the-art beauty salon and stimulus-response research facility in Cincinnati. "Our patented system of nutrients, moisturizers and behavioral modifiers gently shapes and conditions your psyche, guiding your behavior with a clearly defined set of rewards and punishments."
"As you can see here, Pantene's psychomanipulative agents go straight to the parts of the frontal lobe where they're needed most," said Dyer, pointing to a computer-enhanced graphic of a model dramatically tossing her silky blonde hair in slow-motion. "Desirable behaviors such as beauty-product consumption and fashion-worship are rewarded with positive stimuli, including feelings of approval and increased social acceptance. And Pantene's patented nutrients and moisturizers keep working all day long, seeking out and punishing the slightest departures from social norms with painful, burning sensations to the scalp."
Over time, Dyer said, this stinging pain, so severe it can result in convulsions and bouts of intense screaming, "strongly motivates the well-groomed consumer to avoid such behaviors in the future."
"I used to be frumpy and plain-looking," said Kellie Froemer, one of the 2,500 focus-group subjects upon whom Pantene tested the new conditioners. "Now I spend at least an hour in the bathroom each morning, elaborately styling my hair and applying a vast array of cosmetics and sprays to my hair and face. And I never leave the house unless I'm dressed to the nines. Why? Because if I don't, it feels like somebody has set my head on fire."
According to Pantene promotional literature, this patented "Scalp Punishing Action" helps discourage behaviors that fall outside a narrow range of socially accepted gender roles for women. Women who act within the strict boundaries of consumer-culture gender constructs will be rewarded with greater acceptance, whether on the job or on the town, helping them to look and feel their best.
"I used to be so insecure about my looks that I never did anything with my hair," said Jen Claire, another test subject who praised the new conditioners. "Now, I'm twice as insecure, and I spend upwards of two hours a day obsessively curling and styling it. Pantene's operant conditioning gave me the confidence I needed to desperately seek the approval of others."
"Thanks, Pantene Pro-V!" Claire added. "Now, I can finally be the person everybody else wants me to be."
"I used to wear jeans to work," said Hannah Cole, a focus-group test subject and former lesbian. "But now, I wear dainty flower-print dresses, expensive pantyhose and barrettes in my hair. I've also become incredibly paranoid about the way I smell and use a wide variety of perfumes and powders to mask my newly perceived feminine problem odors. I'm holding myself to a new set of standards I never dreamed possible."
According to industry observers, the use of beauty and hygiene products to condition behavior is nothing new. The important role that personal-appearance-based anxiety plays in beauty-product purchases is well-documented, and such anxieties have already caused generations of consumers to adhere to lifelong patterns of buying products they would not otherwise need or want. The new Pantene conditioners, however, have taken such marketing tactics to a new level, actually "soaking, lathering, moisturizing and softening" the cerebral tissue itself.
"For decades, the cosmetics industry has helped shape the way society behaves, both by pressuring consumers to conform to certain narrowly defined roles within 'accepted' society, and by pointing out the inadequacies of those whose behaviors fail to adhere to these restrictions," said noted therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum, who tested samples of the new hair-care line on numerous patients. "Such corporately constructed beauty standards continue to exert an ever-increasing force on the developing self-images of the buying public, but these new Pantene Plus behavioral conditioners are the first mass-marketed products to directly, actively punish nonconformity."
"It's really quite a breakthrough," Wasserbaum added. The new behavioral conditioners will hit stores everywhere by mid-February. Also in stores, Pantene spokespersons said, will be eye-catching, end-aisle displays that release one free sample-size bottle and complimentary food pellet after a consumer presses a bar when the light on the display is flashing, but only if she hears a special stimuli-tone buzzer first. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| You really should not have included a photo;
You look even worse than Hernando Desoto.
Your beard and your eyes, your 'stache and your balding,
You may not have heard, but they're all so appalling.
It's a wonder, I swear, you became a rich poet
Though you looked in the mirror and said, "Yes, I'll show it."
By "it" I, of course, mean that grizzly-ass face,
Which would make any woman go run for her mace.
Your eyes do not twinkle. They're just dark and insane.
How could you have thought you would rocket to fame?
But you did, Mr. Silverstein; somehow you did
Though your picture should surely have frightened a kid.
You look like a pervert, a creep, and a sleaze,
But nevertheless, kids and parents say, "Please,
May I have a new copy of A Light in the Attic?"
Even though you sure look like a dingy crack addict.
You're really not pretty. You don't even look kind,
But all of those fans just seem not to mind.
I guess that your rhymes are too good to deny,
So Shel, what I'm saying is you're a swell guy. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I'm not even joking when I say that it is my sincere wish that Brittany Spears ends up living in an alley behind a Taco Bell, spending her days looking for cigarette butts and performing her songs for rats and oncoming traffic. And when people stop to point and laugh, she'll tell them not to get too close because the blue mailbox is a time machine that God told her to protect.
She is so insane and out of control, it's like a new definition of "rock bottom".
PS - I have too much time some days to read celeb bog sites like www.tmz.com | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 03:10 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/angry.gif) irritated |
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| I heard a commercial today touting Don Pablo's mexican fare and how it's really "An Extreme Mexican Experience".
Well I ate there about 12 days ago and had an extreme mexican experience myself.
It's called food poisoning.
I ate my meal about 7:30-8pm. I was vomiting violently at midnight and my intestines emptied out the back door starting at 4am. I threw up every 15 minutes all night until around 9am. It's no fun sitting on the toilet whilst simultaneously dry heaving saliva into a bowl in my lap. I pulled so many muscles in my back...
I had chills, shaking, the works. I was unable to eat solid food for approximately 24 hours after that.
Fuck you Don Pablo and your improperly prepared foods.
Fuck you with a Garden Weasel. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | the freezer compressor | | Current Location: | laboratory | | Time: | 03:37 pm | | Current Mood: | amused |
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| I've not been on LJ much lately, but I did just submit to be part of the LJ group worldofwarcraft. I figure it's been a long time coming. I read all kinds of other WoW related material, why not LJ as well?
:-) | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| This is important goddamnit!
Click the link to find an actual SCIENTIFIC formula for the effect commonly known as "BEER GOGGLES"
That's right. Bring your TI-85 to the bar to know if that person is actually hot, then never get a date because you brought your calculator to the bar... or you will meet some hot dorks with a good sense of humor.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/4468884.stm | | comments: Leave a comment |
| someone else said this, but i agree with it.
The Super Bowl is a crime against the people who make the NFL popular in the first place.
Think about it—the NFL is a multi-billion dollar corporation because football fans devote obscene amounts of time and dollars to watching, following, attending, celebrating, reading and arguing about football.
On Sunday, CBS's Super Bowl coverage starts at noon—more than six hours before the 6:25 p.m. (EST) kick-off. It includes a four-hour pre-game show, something called the Phil Simms All-Iron Team, and a performance by Cirque du Soleil. I'll say it again: A performance by Cirque du Soleil.
And that's all before the network subjects us to Simms' color commentary and a bombastic halftime gala featuring Prince and Beyoncé.
That's how the league rewards its fans for filling its coffers with ticket, merchandise and TV ad dollars—by holding its final game thousands of miles away from the competitors' cities, charging an obscene amount for tickets, and larding the game with thousands of fluffy extras designed to appeal to everyone except those of us who give a damn about football.
So am I going to watch Super Bowl XLI? Well, yeah. Of course. Don't be ridiculous. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Is it being happy or is it simply not being depressed? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| So with all the news coverage of the new gaming systems coming out and all the new fangled tekmology coming out, I wondered if we were headed in a productive direction. Do we need all this crap? Will it help us as a whole or just create more broken plastic doodads heaped in piles and then plowed under the dirt? Does it matter if your phone flips or slides open? Will more connectivity result in more productivity or even a higher standard of living? On both a societal and personal level shouldn't we stop every once in a while and take stock of what we've done both good and bad... or am I just a month too early for this kind of talk? Should we just put on the blinders and continue to demand new, faster, lighter, EVERYTHING and hope some good stuff comes down the line?
The reflection usually doesn't begin until people wake up after Thanksgiving.
"Is it right to lead people away from the real world -- even if they were only spectators of it -- into a virtual world where they're participating, but where nothing is real?"
i'm not sure of the author of the above quote, but I liked it. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | SPAM | | Current Location: | SPAM | | Time: | 10:09 am | | Current Mood: | SPAM |
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| According to the The Amazing SPAM Home Page, the ingredients of SPAM are as follows:
chopped pork shoulder meat with ham meat added
salt (for binding, flavor, and firmness)
water (to help in mixing)
sugar (for flavor)
sodium Nitrite (for color and as a preservative) | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Christopher Morley - "There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way." | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| In the game of life, it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.
~~Bill Vaughan | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| The hungarians are naming a bridge soon. They are using an internet poll to decide the name.
Currently "Chuck Norris" is in 3rd place.
There are a bazillion names on the list, Chuck Norris's name is in english and you have to scroll down about an inch to see his name. Go vote.
http://www.m0hid.gov.hu/vote | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Women! Ya can't live with 'em and ya can't get 'em to wear skimpy little Nazi outfits.
-Emo Philips
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
-Emo Philips
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-Emo Philips
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
-Emo Philips
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
-Emo Philips | | comments: Leave a comment |
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